My psychologist wants to know if I’ve thought about going where Steele is. I told him I thought about looking for him. He asked if that was the same thing. I said I don’t know. He asked if I had thought about hurting myself. I said no. Later I remembered I had thought about someone else hurting me, so I would have an excuse to hurt myself. I told him about the ‘soul of the world’ and how I’d like to communicate with it. He must think I’m crazy, suicidal. He was like how am I going to get there: perform like a séance? I said I hadn’t thought it through that far yet.

Dear God: I know eyes tell secrets. They spoke to me on our last day telling me death would come. His vessel to cross the ocean and ride off the edge of the earth. The white of his eyes were yellow:  pupils wondering aimlessly about them. The sockets might as well have been hollow. There was no light in there. I was looking at the place where God was. The place where a familiar spirit once resided, capable of stealing glances at me getting dressed for bed, seducing me when our eyes locked through the bureau mirror. Those empty eyes told his story.

That was then, when the man I planned a lifetime around turned out to be on loan for a season. He stained my eyes with the image of his stiff body wrapped in white sheets. Cotton stuffed in his mouth to sop up the foam bubbling out. Out of control now: virgin glasses needed to see new visions of life.

1989 Recommendation for progression into Grade One from my Reception teacher Mrs Wilson. I was four years old.

Spring: “Noelle has moved into the second term with confidence. She is excited about reading and puts a great deal of effort into this area. Her neatness in general still needs some improvement. She must learn to slow down and not rush through her work. Noelle is a good listener despite the fact that she does a lot of talking. She handles responsibility reasonably well and usually caries out her tasks in a satisfactory manner. She is an avid participant in all areas and likes to be in charge.

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