My confession

Noelle Khalila Nicolls Love Letters 0 Comments

Dear Steele,

Time continues to separate me from the moment in which you left. Almost two years and counting now and it already feels like a decade. Your anniversary weekend is coming up and for months now I have been working on hiding the fact that I am not going to to be in Jamaica at that time.

I still wanted to plan the commemoration activities, most importantly the intended-to-be-annual Man of Steele Curry Goat Cricket Match, but I stalled and stalled because I didn’t know how to do it without letting on that I was not going to be in Jamaica. I felt people would judge me. Now, we are days away and I have done nothing, although I am sure others may be planning something.

I know you said you understood my silence, but I have decided to be honest and come clean. I am not going to be there.

I know it’s a silly sentiment that I have been feeling, but sometimes our egos have a way of making us do silly things. The truth is, barely a week goes by when I do not call your name to honour your spirit and I am at peace with the new relationship with have. But on the occasion of the anniversary of your parting, I suppose my ego feels unsatisfied with a private commemoration.

Really and truly though, the only thing I am going to be missing out on by not being in Jamaica that weekend is the opportunity to connect with our friends and share in their company. And I do not need the event of your death to do this. Unfortunately, this is not how I have always acted or felt. Time has separated me from my sadness but unfortunately it has also separated me from our friends, because I have felt as though you were the basis of many relationships I had with people in Jamaica.

So I am now in the unfortunate position of having to confess, but the fortunate position of being able to grow. I am unable to be in Jamaica next week, but only because I will be in Jamaica the Easter holiday weekend following. I plan to have a linkup, not to commemorate you, but to celebrate life: my life and that of my friends and your friends. So I hope that all those who love you and love me will join me to catch up and just be in love with life. I have so much to share about who and what I’ve been doing.

For the memorial weekend, I invite everyone to celebrate with me, wherever you are and in whichever way you have planned. I know our prayers will be carried to the ancestors in one spirit.

At the end of the day, the brighter we shine our light is the greater we will honour you. And it is our journey to shine each and every day.

Lots of love.

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