My stand-in lover forced me to take responsibility for my own peace of mind

Noelle Khalila Nicolls Surviving Dialysis 7 Comments

I was a mess one night, a few days after I found out I needed surgery. I was feeling that kinda way when you just want a warm body to cuddle up next to.

Slight problem: I am a member of the single ladies crew. But the universe so had it that I was driving home in the area of a friend (the male kind). This particular friend stays trying to hook up with me. He will never accept, it’s just not meant to be. But I know him from long time; I love him plenty; and I can always rely on him to boost my ego, because he is pure flattery.

I realized this late night call could give the wrong impression, but surely when he saw my emotional state he would act accordingly. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I looked sickly; my heart was heavy; my mind was frazzled, but all he could see was my sweetness.

A word to the wise is sufficient: don’t rely on a guy who is looking for a booty call to be your shoulder to cry on. He was hopelessly inadequate. And I was completely foolhardy. The whole incident was a reminder that everyone needs to be responsible for their own peace of mind.

As he tried to be sexually suggestive, instead of speaking those two magic words, “what’s wrong?” I fumed inside. I wanted to tell him everything, not because he was special per say, but I just wanted to confess my fears to someone; someone who could baby me but not make feel like a child; someone who could remind me that I mattered and make me feel desirable at the same time.

But the more oblivious he seemed, the less I wanted to share with him. By the time he inquired, I acted like a mute, because I felt he didn’t deserve to be in my inner circle anymore.

But against my better judgement I spilled the beans about my kidneys, the doctor’s death threat (I mean prognosis) and the impending surgery. Was it really too much to think he could empathize and for God’s sake, just hold me close, hug me, rub my arm, touch me softly some kinda how to make me feel I wasn’t alone, instead of just trying to have sex with me.

Needless to say, I left. I left with my tail between my legs cussing myself because I knew I shouldn’t have stopped. All along I knew nothing good was going to come from that stop. But when you are emotionally vulnerable your actions tend to trend on the impulsive and reckless side (Haven’t you ever heard, misery loves company).

Sometimes being responsible for your own peace of mind feels too damn much to handle. In that moment, I didn’t want to be responsible. I wanted to collapse in someone else’s hands and be a baby: not in the arms of a parent, but in the arms of a stand-in lover.

Fortunately, I was able to laugh at myself. I didn’t internalise this as a write off of men in any way. There was no love lost; I just learned my lesson. In the end I didn’t have to process my pain all alone afterall. My sisters came to the rescue and helped me to achieve my first real turning point.

More on this later, as I write my way through the trauma and healing. Thank you for taking this journey with me.



Comments 7

  1. We at CARIMAC remember You for your sincerity, love and sweetness. I for one, always remember our many brief, but pleasant encounters and I was always filled with a deep respect for you and your internal beauty and your fortitude.
    At this time of uncertainty in your life – and I have had many uncertainties in my own life – I pray that God, whose you are will lift you up and make you whole and entire again.
    My very best wishes for you.

  2. You learnt a valuable lesson Noelle, and that is, that you cannot make someone say the right words, or act the way you want in a given situation, because the bottom line is… only have control over one person in this life, and that’s yourself. You have no control over anyone’s actions or feelings, except your own. When fear overcomes you, go internally, and listen to that quiet voice deep within you. Sit quietly and meditate awhile, and when calm overtakes you, you will emerge stronger and more resilient than before. You are never alone, remember that. Your guardian angels watch over you constantly, and your physical “sisters” are there for you.

    As in the words from the great poet John Donne…….”No man is an island entire of itself, each is part of a continent”.

    We set ourselves up for failure every time we expect a certain reaction by someone, either in how we expect them to respond, or in what we want to hear. When we don’t get the desired response, we’re disappointed. It’s always better to expect nothing, then be pleasantly surprised, when the person exceeds our expectations.
    Love and hugs.

  3. Hi Noelle, thanks for sharing this. There are men and women out there who respect, love and appreciate you. They have shoulders who you can cry on: A burden shared will be a burdened lightened; A joy shared is a joy that’s multiplied. Thanks for sharing with us. I hope and pray that you can sense your burden being lightened. Yes, this too, is life ….. and we are all in it…. together!


  4. Awesome read…and you hit the nail this morning. But reality is…we have to be strong for ourselves first. I learned that valuable lesson

  5. You are some kind of special, i knew this from the day we sat in UWI orientation together… “Energiza” continue to inspire

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