I have a slight problem. In a weird way, my spiritual awakening is bringing out my sensuality. I never knew my feminine energy could be so sensual and alluring, to myself that is. It is like I am loving myself even more with this new awareness. I feel the feminine Goddess awakening in me.
Last night I went to listen to a jazz band play at a new bar and restaurant. I went by myself and as I sat alone I contemplated the divine feminine rising in me. I never used to consider myself to be a sensual person. The extent to which I defined myself was probably sexy, if I dressed up nice; attractive on an ordinary day; and at times, probably even sporty spice-alicious. I used to perform my sexuality in the way I dressed, danced and interacted with people. It was an image of desirability that I had to create, or put on. At some level, I saw all men as potential suitors and I had to always look my best. All along I was objectifying myself.
That is the twisted thing about being a woman in today’s world; it is too easy to objectify yourself. I am not talking about external things, like the way I dress, or what I do: those are cosmetic, meaningless in and of themselves. I am talking about intention and self perception: the intention to impress, to be liked, to be validated, and the self perception of being lacking, less than divine or not good enough. The performance of my sexuality was a pretense, because I had no idea how to be. I had no idea I could just love myself, and I did not need to perform anything for anyone.
I am now witnessing the divine feminine rising in me from just being authentic. She is filled with nurturing energy, love, compassion and creativity. While it is like a potent aphrodisiac, it is not to be possessed by anyone else. It is in service of my Goddess-self.
Here is where the problem comes in: meeting new people who have positive energy and spiritual consciousness is like a spark to my spirit, but it only feels good when they enjoy my company and admire me without trying to possess me, contain me, define me, cage me, have me, own me. Otherwise it feels uncomfortable and I have to cut the person off.
Yesterday I felt inclined to tell someone not to interpret my agreement about our ‘connection’ as solicitation: even though my spirit liked his energy, I was not looking for a ‘special friend’. I respect a man who is honest about his own intentions and can cut his loses when he knows it aint like that or temper his behaviour.