Sometime in 2008, I was so stressed out I tried to eat myself, physically. Stress is toxic. It was the poison feeding Steele’s cancer and my high blood pressure. This is the conversation I had with a friend about it.
“When Steele and I get in fights or we have ‘issues’ I cannot function properly. It drives me crazy. Until we resolve the issue I am completely unproductive,” I said.
“Girl, I feel you, but I’m filing for a divorce from over-stressing in 2008!” said my girlfriend. “I don’t want that to be what defines me no more so I am going to take active steps to change that! I think it would be good for both of us,” she said.
“I think part of my stress is from moving too fast and thinking too much. A couple of weeks ago, I was eating a bacon and cheese whopper from Burger King and I bit my lip four times in the same spot while eating the one sandwich. My lip bled and then swelled like I was in a fight. I was so disgusted with myself,” I said. “I was literally eating myself.”
“I think that’s a very introspective and good point you are right and I think we both do that too much. I think so much about stuff and about organizing it that I don’t spend enough time doing it, now that’s mental,” she said.
“Well in 2008 I’m starting with how I eat and how I walk, just slowing down and taking it easy.”
“Girl, great idea. My mom was looking at me eat and she said I chew so infrequently that she can see the big bulk of food going down my throat. Even when I shower, I hardly enjoy it, as I am always in a rush to get wherever I am showering to get to,” said my girlfriend.
“Yea, I do that too.”
“Now that I think about it, it is amazing that I haven’t had a breakdown yet. It must be the exercise that keeps me centred, oh and I get good sleep. But trying to slow down the eating has really helped: you eat less and your brain can finally keep up with your pace!” she said.
“I’ve been falling off with the exercise, but I don’t joke around with my sleep: I might not get many hours, but I sleep heavy as hell. I guess my body doesn’t know when it will get sleep next, so it goes into a deep hibernation every chance it gets,” I said.
“I have an aunt, who is a physiotherapist, guru, health specialist. She says I should get a professional massage once a month and a spa treatment if I can. If you don’t do that already, maybe we should try that too, or at least whenever money allows.”
“Funny you say that because I got one in November and it was really helpful, truly,” she said.
***
I will never forget the day my grand aunt said to me: “Do you know that how you treat your food is how your food will treat you?” She was observing me eat at the same time I was talking on the phone, reading a newspaper and rushing off somewhere.
I will never forget the day I watch my friend Mickey take about one-hour to eat a small plate of ackee and saltfish. I took about 10 minutes or less. He chewed each mouthful of food until it was a liquid. I was amazed at his discipline. It was like he was making love to his food.
I will never forget the day I almost ate my own lip. I have always loved food, but I never used to value food. Now, what I feed my body is of the utmost priority: whether it is food, information or vibes. I am observant now and when I catch myself inhaling something to eat, I stop and I make love to the food. I make it a point to sit at a table and eat, doing nothing else: although I do answer the phone if it rings, and sometimes my soap operas call me, or the newspaper. It is a hard road to walk: sometimes I forget, or I am so hungry, or excited about my meal, I just ram it down my throat, but my awareness is increasing.
I had to row myself the other day. I was eating my favourite ice cream, white chocolate mixed with butter pecan, topped with honey soaked walnuts. I reached half way into the cup and realized, based on how fast I was eating, I barely tasted one bite. Once I caught myself being a garbage grinder, I snapped out of it. The second half I cherished every bite and gave thanks for the kind soul who bought it for me. It was heaven on earth.
I have a long way to go, but I am being compassionate with myself and taking it one step at a time: awareness first.