When I meditate it feels like I am connecting with an infinitely expansive chasm inside my being. The deeper I venture into the void, the more I discover about myself. I am completely amused by this ability to explore the depths of my inner being, as if on a treasure hunt. To be able to stimulate myself in such a way is quite exciting when I think about it. The secret is celibacy. Well, at least one of the secrets. I also quit my job, migrated, isolated myself and experienced spiritual death, so it’s hard to isolate the factors.
I know a few things though, if I was focused on stimulating myself sexually, it would be much harder to create the stillness of mind to listen to my inner-self, and it would take much longer to come into an awareness of my Goddess-self. If I gave into the temptation of sexual desire, I would blindly become self-identified with my ego. Naturally I wanted to restore the feeling of intimacy I lost when Steele transitioned; I craved the feeling of his companionship. But above all I wanted to learn to be with myself in a revolutionary way. I wanted to learn to sense the spirit of a living person.
Everyone said Steele was still alive, just as a spirit. I dreamed about being able to perceive his spirit: was it the wind tickling my face, or the sound of a bird singing a good morning praise song? I thought about how much easier it would have been if I was conscious of his spirit when he was alive, then I would be more attuned to him in his new dispensation. I know this is possible now, even if only theoretically. Only time will tell the real impact it has on my relationships with people.
In freeing my spirit from the distractions associated with sexual relationships I can focus on making love with life, and hopefully when I release myself from this pact of prolonged abstinence, I will be a master at ‘making love without making love’. Anyone can have sex, but not anyone can make love with life.
I will be forever grateful to Paulo Coehlo for sharing the knowledge of this concept with me: ‘to make love without making love’. In his novel “11 Minutes” he describes the story of a prostitute, who sought intimacy in seemingly simplistic and sometimes taboo ways, since sex to her was a mundane, unemotional job. The story is about the material pleasure sex, specifically 11-minutes with a prostitute, and the spiritual pleasure of finding love that is non-possessive, non-attached and completely invigorating.
India Arie, Private Party
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