I keep trying to figure out what Steele would be telling me right now if he were here. But I can’t hear him. I can’t believe how uncertain life is. I don’t want to talk to anyone because I keep listening to try to hear his voice. I wonder if he knows all my secrets now. I am afraid for the next time someone asks me if I have a boyfriend. This was supposed to be a politics blog; just another one of those plans that were never meant to be.
How would life be different if we were so cultivated to ask: what does God want? Instead of what do I want? It probably wouldn’t make a difference anyhow. God reveals these things in his own sweet time and in the meantime we are none the wiser. I read a fortune cookie the other day that said something like time, patience and nature are the best healers. I think they are also keys to understanding God’s will.
He didn’t want to reminisce when he was in hospital. He said he didn’t want to talk about the past or the future, because it made him sad; he only wanted to be present in the moment and pray and rest. There are so many things I don’t remember. When I meet up with ex-boyfriends, we usually laugh about the past. Together it makes those memories seem more real. (It just occurred to me that I have no idea what the ‘ex’ in ex-boyfriend stands for. Anyone?)
There is so much I don’t remember. His friends talk about their memories with him all the time. It’s like hearing about someone you don’t know for the first time, and you almost want to say: can you introduce me to that person, he sounds like a juicy mango. I don’t remember all of my memories; I don’t even know which memories he cherished most.
Everyone wants to know what they can do to help? Can anyone help me to hug him one more time? Or run my fingers over his perfect lips? Or see his smile when he teases me about my Gage nose? Or tell me to relax when my nose flares because I am mad?
Better yet, can anyone help me to find out what’s my purpose? I’d love to know so I can just get on with it. If the purpose of life is to fulfill our God given purpose, you would think they would tattoo it on our foreheads, so when we are born everyone would know and we could just get on with it already. It’s like, if this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing, then why am I wasting my time.
What was Steele’s purpose in your life? What was Steele’s purpose in my life? I would love to know.