Steele only came to the Bahamas once. He was so nervous about coming and excited at the same time. He thought I was going to introduce him to so many people; he wasn’t looking forward to that. But when we arrived he obediently followed me to meet a few Aunts, Uncles Goddies and friends. We were only going to be in Nassau for like two days or so, so I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I figured it wouldn’t be the last time we were here, so no worries.
I took him to Bimini so he could finally see what a ‘real’ beach looked like. Steele loves the ocean, but he hates boats, so when I told him about the Ferry he would have to travel on to get to the mainland, he was like hell no. Well when we arrived, and he realised there was literally nothing on the little island, he reconsidered. I managed to get him on a boat and that is no easy feat. Usually on boats, I would sit on the edge or on the bow and not be too concerned about falling off, perhaps reach down and touch the water in the wake. Steele was like, no, no, no. he wanted me in the middle of the boat next to him. I’m surprised he didn’t make me wear a life vest.
He had such a good time here, and often joked about us moving back to live here, when things were looking kind of bleak in Jamaica. I never made a big deal about it, but that was music to my ears. I had always said if married a Jamaican, I didn’t want to feel forced to live in Jamaica. I probably would have, but I wanted the other person to be open to the possibility of moving back home. So that was like, check, mission accomplished.
He was obsessed with chicken souse. Of all the good food I gave him to eat when he was here, chicken souse was the only thing that stuck. And worse still, we got the souse from Double Ds, so that’s the only food place he could remember. Regularly he would ask if I not making no chicken souse. And he would always try to imitate my Bahamian. He would say: “Bey. Bey. I’s ya baby ya know.” That would always make me smile. Or he’d say: “I ga tell ya mummy ya know.” One time he took a picture of me biting my finger nails on his blackberry and emailed it to mummy. Even though my manicures usually only last about two days now, I finally have some finger nails to show because of him.
Having two homes always made me feel a little schizophrenic. When I came back home for weekends or longer holidays I always felt like I just moved back home from university. like I was a 19 year old fresh out of school, out with my friends, and just chilling. I had my mummy around, didn’t have to worry about dinner, or clean clothes. I wouldn’t really need to miss him, because we spoke every day, and ran up mummy’s phone bill. And i was always coming right back. That’s the last thing I said to him, coincidentally at the hospital, I’ll be right back. He probably liked when I was away, he could get a break.
When I was in Jamaica, I was this business woman. Steele and i were practically married; we were practically living together. I had a lot of freedom and responsibility; my own car, apartment, bills to pay. I was very independent, living very purposefully, and the future was so clear. I never felt alone, because Steele was never far from my side. He was my guardian. He would open my house door for me, and make me Milo in the morning and check out my car when it was making funny noises, and call to make sure I got home safe at nights. We shared almost all of our meals together: countless nights of Burger King and Popeyes. His favourite was a grilled chicken sandwich, no mayonnaise, no cheese, or a Chicken Jambalaya. And he loved apple pie. We always used to fight over apple pie, because would couldn’t afford to buy one each, so we had to share, but I preferred Burger King apple pie and he preferred Popeye’s. I usually always got my way. And I would always eat of out his plate, no matter what I had. After a while, he knew to just offer me the first bite of whatever he had.
Most of my Bahamian friends know him for his chauffer duties. He said before he met me, he only travelled to the airport in Jamaica maybe once or twice. After he met me, he went to the airport maybe once or twice a fortnight. Picking up Aria or Tivona, or dropping them off. Carrying Keisha and Kristy to see the Blue Mountains; helping aria to find a new car or apartment. He was a very private person and he didn’t like big crowds or a lot of people in his house, but since he spent most of his time at my house, he quickly learned to accept and welcome all of my friends as the third wheel in our caboose. He took as much care of my friends as he did of me. When I was in Nassau, I would tell all of them, just call Steele if you need anything. He was their Mr. Fix it too. And he always did what was necessary willingly and ably.
When I moved back to Nassau in February, I was supposed to be there for about a year on business, and then move back to Jamaica. So I was pretty much prepared for him not to be around me every day. But I knew I could always call him to see if he was okay, and if I didn’t, he would call me to see if I was okay. Now I keep wondering if he’s just hiding somewhere or lost somewhere, and just waiting for me to come back to Jamaica next year. I keep wondering why he hasn’t called to check up on me, or to tell me where he is so I know he’s okay. I haven’t figured out where to look for him yet.
The thing that gives me the greatest joy in all of this is knowing that he truly felt loved by everyone around him. I asked him one time if there was anything he wanted to tell me, because I knew he might lose his voice at some point. He said nothing except that I love you. When you have no consciousness of death, you do some really stupid things: you waste a lot of time, you take things for granted, and you squander a lot of opportunities. But when you do have death in your consciousness so many things lose significance. I kept wondering, I’m still wondering, what message god was trying to send me and why he couldn’t just send me an email. We didn’t know what day was the last day, but every day we surrounded him with love, and love gave him peace of mind and I am so grateful.