Dear Steele: Today I am giving thanks for the great gift of sharing in your transition. I have found new peace and great joy in freeing myself from my material attachments and embarking on my Sankofa journey. In the world we shared I was desperate for your success. My identity was completely wraped in our dreams of success. I had an obsessive dependency on my success and your success.
Life was often a struggle and a torment for you. At times it threw you into a deep depression, and sometimes I would free fall with you. In my heart I always believed we were unstopabble and the sun would rise on our dark days.
Stress is such a poison. It is an iron cage that traps and torments you in disappointing images of the past and anxious visions of the the future. I was not living for the moment; I was living in preparation for living in the future. I used to believe, and be proud of it, that everything in life was in preparation for something greater we were to be or do. It was one of my favourite affirmations. But inherent in that belief is a state of lacking, a belief that what is perhaps is not good enough. I used to fear that if I stopped moving, if I stopped achieving, for just one second, I would become less loveable to the people around me. I used to fear that if you stopped doing, stopped achieving we would never reach our destination of success. The folly in my thought is now painfully clear.
We were addicted to doing in hopes of finally attaining personal fulfillment in that ever illusive vision of happiness. We were tricked into thinking there was something better out there for us if we only kept working hard and slaving ourselves. We were tricked into thinking we deserved, were even entitled to, more if we just kept doing more and sacrificing ourselves. We were deluded. That one day arrived, but it looked a lot different than how we had envisioned.
Now, I believe everything I experience in life is a fulfillment of my purpose, not just in a theoretical sense, but in a way that I know in my soul. I create my happiness in my intention and with every ‘now’ experience. This is the practice I am cultivating in myself as I gestate, preparing to be reborn to myself. Unfortunately, it is a little too late for us, which is why I really have to give you thanks. I wish we were on this journey together, but I accept that your earthly purpose was already fulfilled.
I have no idea what will become of my life, but I know I have a second opportunity to see the sunrise and set and be at peace with myself. When I wake up in the mornings, if feels so good not to be burdened with the thought of what I should be doing or supposedly have to do. When I eat breakfast or meditate, it feels so good not to be in a ferocious rush. When I am in the company of others, it feels so good not to be compelled to have something to say. When I am stuck in traffic (once the air conditioning is working), if feels so good to be able to practice patience. When the day arrives faster than I anticipated or disappears faster than I would like, it feels good to relax myself and not be a slave to time.
Every day I am more and more amazed with your grace. I love that I was able to love you, and I thank you for life. Through your sacrifice and with the strength of those who love and surrround me, I am saving myself.