(Today I am born again. Today I remember the journey)
Except from my journal: I just wanna know when he’s coming back and where he is so I can call him and hear his voice; let him know I love him and I miss him and hurry back. I wanna know why he hasn’t called me yet to tell me he’s okay or to check on me. I wanna know if he misses me; if the past five years were real. I feel like a fraud. This was supposed to be my life, not just memories. You can’t touch memories. I can’t run my fingers over the lips of my memories or touch the bald head of my memories or cuddle in bed with my memories, or go to the movies with my memories. All I can do with my memories is remember them, as if that life was past tense.
The celebrations end today. Everyone is going to go about their business, back to their daily lives. I gonna go somewhere and be alone. Trying to figure out where he is and when he’s coming back. I dunno why I just want to be alone and I don’t want anyone to touch me. I can’t take too much laughter. And I can’t be around everyone when they are talking about him in the past tense. I am so sad I feel numb. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I can’t think of the past and I can’t think of the future. I just don’t know why all of this is happening. I can see why it could be good for Steele but I can’t see how it’s good for me.
I feel like there were two different people I knew, like the Steele I left in January when I went away for a while, and the Steele I saw die, were two different people. When I look at all the pictures of you I see this person full of life: round cheeks, energy, laughter, vitality. The Steele I saw dead – body foaming at the mouth – was cold, so cold. Your skin was tight and cold like dry ice sticking to your fingers. Your fingers were so stiff. I tried to hold your hand, prying your fingers open, but you couldn’t hold mine back. That body wasn’t alive. There was no heartbeat. I don’t think that was you. You must be somewhere else. I don’t know where, but maybe I should try to find you. I don’t feel sad when I look at pictures of your, because I don’t think that person is dead . That person is alive somewhere I just don’t know here to look to find you.