The Thursday morning before Steele died I called my mother in the Bahamas and asked her to come to Jamaica as soon as she could. I didn’t know Steele was going to die the next day; I didn’t know why I wanted her there; I just did. She came on a 9 pm flight from the Bahamas. That night I slept all through the night. I found out in the morning Steele was gone. Mummy drove me to the hospital to see him. I wanted to listen to his chest to make sure I didn’t hear his heartbeat. I had done it several times before. His heartbeat was so strong; sometimes when he slept I would see his body vibrate. I thought he was convulsing, so I would rest my hand on the bed or his body and never feel any vibrations. I realised later it was his heartbeat; it was so strong it made his clothes vibrate.
I asked my Aunt Ruth, who was a nurse for years, on a previous occasion, if you can survive if you stop breathing. She said yes. I asked if you can survive if your heart stops beating. She said no. This time I could only hear my heartbeat. It was very distinct. I hadn’t even noticed it on previous occasions. I knew he was gone.
I am so grateful for my mother. No words can do justice to express how great a gift she is to this world. I know everyone says that about their mother, but because of her I’ve never known what it feels like not to be surrounded by love. Steele always used to say our families were different and “I didn’t understand.” I realise now I really didn’t understand. I don’t have any idea what it means to not feel loved. That is such a foreign concept to me.
I would get so frustrated when we fought because he would always say at some point in the middle or the end of the conversation: “I think you should find someone better.” That was tantamount to walking out on me. I thought he was too quick to tell me to find someone else. I thought he wasn’t fully invested in the relationship. I thought he was being cynical or blind or unappreciative about my love. I didn’t understand. He couldn’t stand to see me crying. When I cried he felt like such a disappointment. He just wanted to release me of my pain, not realising it was temporal.
I suppose I’ve grown up around tears. My mother cries for everything like me. They say crying is a form of intuition. My mother has a highly developed intuitive sense and she is so full of love. I grew up observing her spread that love all over the place; indiscriminately, in a good way. Our house was practically a bed and breakfast; our car was practically a public transportation system. She was always so giving. She never let anyone take advantage of her, but she respected people. She was never vindictive or spiteful, and she was always full of love and kindness. Perhaps that’s just from the eyes of a daughter, but that’s what I thought the world was like. I didn’t have a concept of want. I’ve always had everything. I know what love feels like because of my mother, and I know Steele loved me very intensely.
I wonder why love is the only emotion that doesn’t have a correlated body reaction. I mean fear makes your muscles tighten. Sadness makes your tearducts active. Joy makes you smile. Nervousness makes you tremble. Stress makes you have headaches. What does love do? I was contemplating this question one day after leaving the hospital and I wrote that I thought love was like an electrical signal: energy. So if you feel love for someone it sends an electrical wave. I thought that might have been wear the concept ‘sparks flying’ came from. If that’s true, I still can’t figure out how that electrical signal impacts the other person. If only love could bring people back from the dead.
I thought people who loved each other always stuck together. That’s the example I had from my parents. I don’t recall ever feeling any divisive energy in my house. The energy was always loving and constructive. I’ve always felt a little bound to fail in relationships because my parents set the bar so high. How could love like that possibly exist? Their relationship has been a priceless inspiration to me; influencing me in ways I can’t even comprehend.
Steele spoke to his best friend one night in the hospital. His friend says: “He told me how moved he was when Mr & Mrs Nicolls left the Bahamas immediately upon hearing that he was in hospital, not even waiting on Noelle to tell them anything. He reminded me how often over the years he had been touched by the kindness to him by Mr and Mrs Nicolls, but that their behaviour this time around took the cake. They had left no stone unturned, no wish nor desire not granted, and they seemingly thought of EVERYTHING.”
They say children learn from very early on to do as they see and not as they are told. My mother and father have always been a perfect example of love and strength and I’m so happy I chose them to be my parents. I’m so happy Steele felt the love of my parents, because it is truly something unforgettable.
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Asa – “So Beautiful”