Dear God: As I stare into the here and now I wonder what awaits me in the now and then. The road I walked on last brought me here. I wasn’t alone, but I often felt alone, navigating through all the immensities in life with a sense of longing to manifest your greatness.
I talk to myself without using words, finding inside of me wisdom and a propensity to express love, both of which I heavily guard lest I bear the burden of an embarrassment of bliss.
Desire was my companion. We walked together as a boy trying to overcome my exhaustion on my walk to school so I could prove I was strong; and with me as I decided monthly injections would obstruct my passage to peace and refused to continue that treatment; and with me as I tried to understand my second form teacher speaking in tongues: “Who have ears to hear, let them hear. You have to find God in your own way, in your own time.”
Purpose was my companion. We walked together as a man trying to unravel the mysteries of life over a cigarette and a pound of pork. At times I thought it was to suffer in solitude along a circular path and I would let go of my angel’s grip when she flew in to lift me out of my misery. At times I thought it was to transmit my energy to the world by embodying the industrious spirit and life force of my African ancestors and I would hollow my trunk like the baobab tree and fill it with baptismal waters to nourish the earth, and I would open my arms to experience ecstasy in life’s embrace.
You granted me guardianship over my circle of love. My instincts told me to refrain from self-indulgence, to practice patience, to respect silence, to be honest and loyal in nature, and to nurture those I was entrusted to share companionship with. Adequacy was of no inspiration to me. Divine will was my inspiration.
Failure often made drown in a black hole. And yet there was always life after death. I would float to the surface from the dark abyss, rising towards the light illuminating my water logged pours, and eventually break though the surface to receive the light that restored life.
When I go to sleep tonight, I don’t know if it will be my eternal sleep, but I pray that either way my soul will be at rest.